I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~e. e. cummings

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~Jack Benny

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. ~Gracie Allen

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~George Burns

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~Bob Hope

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~Dick Cavett

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~Dave Barry

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
~Gallagher

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks

I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)

The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~Rimmer - Red Dwarf

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. ~David Brenner

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~Unknown

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. ~Mort Sahl

Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Danny Devito